Homosexuality: A Confession

I have written the following article for my student newsaper, Seattle Pacific University’s The Falcon. It is my first public confession of my past struggle with homosexuality. It is primarily aimed at the Christian student community, but I believe that there are truths therein that are universal.

I have written this because the pain and confusion in our community can be healed. I’m becoming vulnerable with my life-struggle because I desire to see lives brought closer to Jesus. If at all possible, I would like to give face to this struggle. I hope it will be apparent, over the course of this article, that my intents are sincere. It’s not my desire to offend, but I didn’t emasculate this story because I believe that there is truth that must be spoken. If you think that this will offend you, I would ask you to keep an open mind and to listen to the story of a fellow traveler, failure, and redeemed one.  

 

While growing up in a Christian home I attended youth group, emotion-conjuring events, and mission trips. I truly wanted Jesus, but behind the façade, I was struggling with sin that lasted from adolescence until just about a year ago and a half ago. At the time, few knew of this struggle, that is, my struggle with homosexuality.

I can’t recall a time when these feelings weren’t present. I was confused and hungry for love and affection, and I didn’t have any close friends. Somewhere along the way, these hungers morphed into homosexual desire.

As a high school student, after years of painstaking struggle, I had heard lies from Satan for so long that I could hardly recognize truth. I heard the words, “You’ll never change. You’ll never be able to get married, and if you try you’ll fail. This is the only place that you’re happy.”  I was drowned in deceit and isolated by shame. The Accuser stopped at nothing because he knew my destiny as a child of God. I was at war—but I was losing.

I decided to take a gap year so as to straighten out my life and find God as I had always heard He could be found—I had heard that he could be found so deeply that one would get lost and entranced in Him. I desired to be free from my sin; but I desired God more still and I knew that my circumstances demanded change.

Senior year, my struggles reached their pinnacle, heightened by depression. By the time I flew to a Texas discipleship school in 2006, I was utterly desperate. The community was so radically loving; I confessed my sin to a guy that I hardly knew within days. The first months proved beautiful, dynamic, and painful. Contrary to the world outside, this community radically accepted the sinners—but a desire for change was expected. From August to November of 2006, along with much Christian scripture, fasting, and prayer I took advantage of godly counseling and a sexual addictions class (which most of the men attended).

However, late in 2006, I started to stagnate spiritually, a dangerous choice in the midst of a spiritual war. In the middle of the battle, it was hard to see how persistent this demonic stronghold was. I remember singing the song “Deliver Me” by David Crowder in chapel as I cried out for God to move me from my paralysis.

A past mentor visited me that very weekend by “strange coincidence.” As we were talking he began to see into my situation by the power of the Holy Spirit. “Nate,” he said, “you have grown so over these past months. Your hunger for God has expanded, your desperation has intensified—but I can see the turmoil inside of your heart. I can see that there are things coming back from high school. Let me pray for you.”

He prayed for me to be baptized with the Holy Spirit that night, and the battle I had been fighting with such tenacity was won with a mere glance of my Lord’s eyes. He brought hope while I was despairing and in that moment of outpoured grace, as He’s done with His people throughout the ages, He set before me life and death, blessings and curses, and said “Now choose life, so that you may live.”

I happened over some of my old journals last week—the words often rang of hopelessness. If there is one thing that the evangelical church in America has succeeded at, it’s informing homosexuals that they’re sinners. I agree that there should be no doubt that homosexuality is sinful, but the SPU community needs to be one that is filled with compassion for those who struggle while remaining uncompromising on what Scripture clearly teaches.

I felt compelled to write something on this subject because of my experience, by which I feel I can speak more authoritatively. God hates homosexuality because of the devastation that it spreads and the chains it creates that so hardily grip its prisoners. He has shown us a better way in Christ. Only biased interpretation of clear Scripture passages such as Romans 1, 1 Timothy 1:10, and 1 Corinthians 6:9, can reconcile homosexuality to the Christian faith.

In the past months I have spoken to quite a few men who struggle with same-sex attraction. The reason that some of them have not moved toward freedom is because they’re not willing to give up their lives, humble themselves and get biblical counseling. Is the grace of God not powerful enough to free us from our sin? Is homosexuality an irredeemable sin? Surely not! The most loving thing that I can say to someone that is struggling—or perhaps even at the point of acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle—is to repent from wickedness and run to Christ. Is it easy? No, for one must die. Titus 2 says, “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all [people]. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.”

Knowing the way some people think, they’re now excited to load their intellectual arsenals against “all those gays” –as they masturbate to their heterosexual porn. And consider all those straight Christian fornicators! Furthermore, do any of us remember when Jesus says that those that have lust in their hearts are in danger of hell in Matthew 5? America is saturated in sexual sin, but it is interesting how Christians still have a pecking order. Paul states in Ephesians 5:3 that “there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality…because [it is] improper for God’s holy people.”

The most edifying “conversation” that can be had at SPU concerns what it means to be holy. Holiness only comes from falling in love with the God. One can try, and strive, and reach for that lifestyle, but it is impossible outside of Christ. If a sinner hates what he sees in his life, it will not work to try to be an “un-sinner,” likewise, one who is gay that desires to be “un-gay” will fail miserably. But for those who take up their crosses and follow Christ—it is they who will find wholeness and freedom. I took up my cross some time ago. I am madly in love with God and there is no life that compares. Christ calls the gay sinners and the straight sinners alike to true freedom that is found in Him alone. Wholeheartedly following Christ is painful and filled with toil and tears, but it is ultimately abundant in life, beautiful in death, and the only way that I would ever desire to live. Now that I’ve found Him, I’ll never let him go.

 

~ by saltedwithfire on April 8, 2008.